So you nuked your pancreas

My pancreas.

Last September a nurse practitioner with a talent for understatement told me I had “a little bit of diabetes going on.” In fact my "insulin resistance" had damaged my beloved pancreas and my beta cells had, in the words of Monty Python, “rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.” Once I got over the shock of having type 2 diabetes before the age of 40 I started thinking about all the stuff I could buy. I deserved the stuff, I said to myself, this is America. The endocrinology practice gave me presents – a glucometer so I could check my blood sugar manually, a sample Dexcom glucose monitor to keep track of the Situation, and a new topic to discuss with my therapist – but that was not enough for me.

It is now late June, and I have purchased many things.

I bought a new pancreas on Ebay. His name is Steve.

I am still diabetic, which is problematic, but now I have a lot of thoughts about objects, which I have begun to hoard. I am Smaug, if Smaug had sugar poisoning. Here are my observations, which I share in case they are useful to other diabetics. I don’t know very many my age because I no longer live in the South, but I assume you’re out there. (No one has paid me for my thoughts.)

GLUCOSE

If you have type 2 diabetes you might not get low blood sugar often, if at all. Unfortunately my ~journey~ has been different and Mounjaro had me circling the drain on what felt like a weekly basis. My kitchen cabinets are full of glucose. My handbags are full of glucose. My bathroom is full of glucose. I keep orange juice and real Coke in my fridge in case I do not want to gnaw on my tablets. (I am now on a different medication and no longer get hypoglycemic that often, so I have more glucose than necessary. Classic!)

The most convenient option, in my opinion. Can fit in a variety of handbags including the clutch I always bring to weddings. A nice day-to-night option, if you will. I did get tired of sucking down gel, the consistency is horrible, but it’s better than dying.

Have you ever eaten chalk? Did you enjoy it? This is for you. Bulkier than the gel but sometimes it’s nice to crunch something into small dusty particles.

We’re back to gel for this one, but it’s small, which is nice. I think it resembles a package of hemorrhoid cream but I try to ignore this.

SKIN PROBLEMS

Before diagnosis my skin itched so badly I wondered if I had an infestation. Turns out I was simply on my way to a place my husband and I call The Cool Zone, where everything is good and nothing hurts. Anyway, high blood sugar can dry the skin and make it itch. I also have mild neuropathy in my feet, so medical professionals have put the fear into me about amputations. For a while I was too sick to care much about any of this but I feel better these days, and have started moisturizing again.

Phenomenal. Better than Baby Foot, sorry to say. My heels have never been happier. So far no amputations.

Some users say this dries their skin out but this has not been the case for me. I like smelling like a salad and my skin seems fine?

I have been told not to get sunburned because I might get dehydrated and that’s particularly bad for the ‘betes. Enter this wildly expensive sunscreen which I unfortunately love. I am a fourth-generation diabetic and probably the only one who has spent money on something like this. I hope my great-grandmother is smiling somewhere.

Do you want to look shiny? Sometimes I do, and that’s where this thing comes in. Like the Dune stick it is very convenient to cart around in one of my bags. I have so many bags. 10/10, would recommend.

Eventually I started to think about my complexion, and that is when I bought this. I like it. It makes me look less Victorian and I haven’t gotten sunburned while I’m using it.

Before I go to sleep and rest up for another long day of being diabetic, I like to put this on my face. It smells nice and it makes me feel fancy. Pretty good! Check it out.

HYDRATION

As discussed, hydration is important for everyone but especially people like me. On Mounjaro I stopped feeling thirsty and also spent many hours on the toilet, and then I found myself in the emergency room at NYU Langone hooked up to something called a banana bag. Four bags later, I felt like a human being and my hemoglobin looked a little less apocalyptic. (I also have a rare genetic red blood cell disease, because I offend God and my existence disgusts Him.) I decided to invest in some electrolyte powder.

Tastes like pink lemonade! Kind of salty but I like it. Nice with some ice in it. Better than Pedialyte, which I do have some opinions about that I will disclose at another time.

This is my standby. Reliable, does the job. I got the packets through airport security no problem. I prioritize the cherry limeade and raspberry lemonade flavors, and avoid the fruit punch because it makes me think of Jonestown. (No relation.)

VARIOUS TREATS

Treats are how I got into this mess, and treats are how I will survive it. When I realized that my favorite of all snacks, the Lays Sour Cream and Onion potato chip, was almost certainly off limits to me I did have a terrible moment.

💡

“Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?” – Job

But as I said, I am American. There is always another treat. Here are the ones I like.

I love gummy candy above all other candies. Certainly above God. In my defense, I was selective about the gummies and I only ate them on special occasions like a road trip. The last time I ate Haribo was June 2025. My husband bought me a bag of twin snakes at a gas station somewhere in Pennsylvania and said, “Here is your diabetes.” Well.

The Pandy stuff is pretty good. Some people will have a bad time with the sweetener but I think it’s fine. I’m going to try the wine gums next. (I do not trust the sugarfree Haribo because I live on the internet and have seen the Amazon reviews. I have suffered enough.)

In my personal diet soda ranking Dr. Brown loses out to Cherry Coke Zero but not by much. Very nice treat! Better than diet Coke.

Fucking love these guys. Almost better than a potato chip to me. I eat them by the fistful.

Nuts are good for blood sugar so I eat a lot of them. These nuts are the best. They almost taste like my beloved sour cream and onion potato chip, but are delicious in their own way, which means I don’t miss the chips very much when I eat them. I also love a dill pickle. Wonderful food.

Stay tuned for more thoughts about hair, which I began to lose during my time on Mounjaro, and things that smell good, which made me happier about being alive. Maybe diabetes accessories or entertainment opinions. Ok thanks!